wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
You Might Also Like
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Cardio Made Easy
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
(Electricians.)
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.