What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo