I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
mom gave me mine for free
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell