My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps