Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
You Might Also Like
Never forget.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.