INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
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Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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