Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)