Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
fr
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.