Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My work here is done