ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You Might Also Like
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.