Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
mentally somewhere in italy
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
remember
only for emergencies
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that