Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
i wish we could shoplift online
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe