RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”