to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.