[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent