kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Watermelon Boss!
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I think we should hear other voices.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
the prophecy has been fulfilled