I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Just why bro?!
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins