me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!