lost dog
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.