Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil