There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Most fashion shows these days…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
School be like
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.