“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L