I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
From Facebook just now…
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I only treason on days ending in y
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG