I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Mountain Goat : )
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy