My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.