6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file