*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.