wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN