people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough