This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
the three branches of government
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.