7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Meow
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
He a real one for that
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.