{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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