Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please