Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.