Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Sunday
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down