If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me