Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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I think I’m having a stroke
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
2022: I can fix it
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
#SCOTUS one-star review
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.