The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
just make the entire table out of coaster
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying