Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
You Might Also Like
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.