How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Rather alarming headline…
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
True
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.