good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Who chose this font
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Happens to everyone.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
☠️☠️☠️
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.