Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.