“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Unimpressed
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.