You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.