[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER