I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.