Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work