I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The cashier just checked me out.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Meow
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?