Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
We found love in a hopeless place.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.