“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.